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Putting The "Pee" In "Problem"
By Aaron, Hipsterpad.com || |
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The urinal. Whose idea was that, anyway? “Hey, I got an idea! Guys have the ability to empty the tank standing up, so why don’t we save some money and install large sinks in the wall where they can do their business? Better yet, let’s put them right next to each other, without barriers, so that patrons will be able to have a nice conversation about the weather while relieving themselves!” To make matters worse, urinals are usually only placed in odd numbers, leaving one poor unfortunate soul playing Monkey in the Middle. |
Well, my friends, I do bring you good tidings: our horrendous situation can be made more pleasurable (or, at the very least, not as gross) by following some simple behavioral guidelines. I assure you, if every God-fearing man on this great green earth were to follow these commandments, life would be, in the words of modern composer Frank Wildhorn, “’relieved of all that is unbearable”.
With these sentiments expressed, I now present for your kind consideration: The Thee Commandments of Waste Removal Etiquette.
Rule Number One: Wait Your Turn. Now, by waiting, I don’t mean standing around tapping your foot or whistling, and I certainly don’t mean “getting in line” right behind someone. A person in midstream is always a person who needs his space. Be very careful when and how you approach someone during urinal use. I recommend that if you poke your head into the restroom and see that all of the stations are full, just wait outside.
Relieving oneself is not by any means a relatively lengthy activity and you shouldn’t have to wait long. This is actually directly advantageous to you, because you would have had to wait anyway, whether or not you actually did the waiting inside the Room of Doom. It's much better to wait outside then in a smelly bathroom wouldn’t you say? This not only adds to your comfort, but to the comfort of those currently doing their penance inside.
Rule Number Two: Keep Urinal Conversation to a Minimum. Now, the word “minimum” in this context actually means, “don’t do it at all, duh!” Seriously, people, when I’m making my donation to the nearest water treatment plant, the last thing I want to happen is for some conversation-starved individual to swagger up, take his place beside me, and proceed to tell me about his day/the weather/his wife/whatever…while I am taking a pee.
I want you to think about that for a second. Read it again, if you have to. There has got to be something terribly wrong with making small talk with someone while they are in one of mankind’s most vulnerable positions. Honestly, there are some moments when a man has to be left alone. Furthermore, to make matters even weirder, many men are more inclined to talk to you while lined up at the de-watering hole than, say, standing in the checkout line at the supermarket. There are moments in life when a pleasant chat with a stranger is welcome. Standing in line happens to be one of those moments. Standing at the trough with your pants unbuttoned is not. Don’t get me wrong, being outgoing is generally a good thing. Just remember, there’s a time and a place for everything.
Rule Number Three: Be Modest. Come on, people. This is the simplest of my already extremely simple rules, yet it seems to be the one least followed. Consider this for a moment: if I’m outside on break, standing in front of a busy street, and suddenly old Mother Nature sends me a message, what would happen if I decided to drop my pants then and there? I’d probably get arrested. For what, you ask? For public nudity.
Ask yourself this question: if there is something wrong with people seeing what they inevitably would see in this case, why is it suddenly A-OK when standing shoulder-to-shoulder in a public restroom? See where I’m going here? That is why I ask-no, I beg of you, for the sanity of mankind, and for the preservation of your own pride and humanity: be sure and stick the entire pelvis in, so you aren’t front-flashing your neighbor. Now, I don’t know how secure you are in your own manhood, and to be honest, I really don’t care. I can guarantee you this much with all certainty: most other males you encounter in a restroom setting would rather not see your where-the-sun-don’t-shine.
As for those that do want a peek, you probably don’t want them looking anyway. Whoever’s in charge of male waste management must have been sniffing Sharpies when they decided urinals don’t need barriers. So, in the meantime, we men have to make do with what we have. So please, make sure that the “what you have” of which I speak is well out of sight.
Well, that concludes my three urinal use commandments. If these extremely simple rules are followed to the letter, I can promise you, the world will be a much happier place. Well, we’re not exactly talking bunny rabbits and rainbows here (or are we…?), but at least man’s grievous situation will become a little more bearable. In the meantime, I’ll be using the stall, thank you very much.
- Aaron -
Comments
Merry
And I thought women had it rough in the bathroom....at least we have doors!
I will be sure to pass on your rule to my son as he is old enough to visit
the mens room alone.
Oh, and what about handwashing? Isn't that in there somewhere?
Merry
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