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Budda-Bing, Budda-Boom, Three Meals And A Room
By Henry David Throw, Guest Writer |Email| |
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Americans are over-worked. We’ve worked hard to get ourselves so over-worked. We’ve done it to ourselves all by ourselves with nobody from a Bangalore, New Delhi, Tijuana, Taiwan, or Singapore sweat shop telling us to get ape-shit-assholes-and-elbows over Materialism, and we’ve got the prizes to show it, televisions as big as houses, houses as big as reception halls, vehicles almost as big, and whopping national and personal debt to wash it all down with. |
We’ve got so many balls in the air we don’t know if we’re on a career path or a Barnum and Bailey circus tour.
There are soooooo many things to get done everyday we don’t have the time, money, or otherwise-incentive to pack it into a fourteen hour day, so it’s time we seriously and soberly considered the inspired and obvious answer…Slavery. With War, Greed, Poverty, Corporate Corruption, Slovenliness, and Excessive Consumption being the things we do best in this country, tossing Slavery back on the top of the heap will make this country great again and put a lot of smiles on a lot of faces too. And we’re not going to lay this on the rest of the world this time, no; we’re sucking this one up and using good-ole-gumptioned-hard-working Americans. Canadians, if you want in on this, just ask.
And before anyone flies off like that half a million foul balls who protested Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl tit while sitting dumbly on their hands over Iraq, Afghanistan, Darfur, Sudan, Zimbabwe, the mortgage crisis, gas prices, healthcare, Katrina, Telecom, Enron, and what passes for presidential elections and investigations into hooky building bombings in this country anymore, here’s how it’s going to be egalitarian this time around. What’s wrong with a little nipple anyway? Everybody’s got two; some people, three, so don’t bandy wild racism accusations. This’s been thought through fair and democratically.
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Americans busting our butts for a roof over our heads and next meal, cherish the proclamation that beyond race, age, gender, sexual orientation, intelligence level, and every other character trait Americans discriminate on the basis of, if you want to be a slave, you can, no exceptions, no exclusions.
This plan is designed to make it happen without red tape and administrative haggling. And they’ll be no beatings or other acts or words of cruelty. What kind of ungrateful bastard would do that? We’ll kiss your little, hard-working asses, and give you good places to stay, and cook hardy meals for you everyday. |
Cooking’s actually something we’ll have a slave do, but we’ll home-school you, what with Education having shot through the roof like every other basic freedom still being vacuously touted in hallowed halls these days. Personally, at an airport, I’d like someone to take my shoes and belt off for me. “Why Slavery?” This time it’s designed to take the pressure off of looking for meaningful work at a decent wage where every penny made is gone at the end of the month.
And here there’s no longer the need for massive personal debt. Not getting ahead? You won’t be falling behind. So let’s get this hayride rolling. There’s a new administration about to buy this country all over again, and Republican, Democrat, or Space Monkey, they’ll go for it once we show ‘em what’s in it for them, so let’s turn national tragedy into a plebeian, pork barrel playground.
- Henry David Throw -
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