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One of my favorite comedians, George Carlin, once said " Ever notice that anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot, while anyone who drives faster than you is a maniac?" Well, I guess that even applies when you are in bumper to bumper traffic. It's bad enough that people do some stupid shit while actually driving (My favorite is putting the turning signal on after you changed lanes) but having road rage when you are stuck in a traffic jam? |
Last week, during the 6 o'clock rush hour, I was driving on a highway near my house that merges three lanes into one at one point. Granted, that concept doesn't seem very smart, but I guess the highway has to end somewhere, right? So just like everyone around me, I was sitting there thinking about how much this sucks. Than, as if I needed another reason to be disappointed in humanity, the lady behind me blows her horn at me. I'm not talking about one of those accidental or "be aware of me" honks, oh no no no. This was the mother of all honks that lasted a good ten seconds.
Of course I look in my rear view mirror and this fine example of modern society throws her hands up as if to say " LEARN HOW TO DRIVE AND GO!". At first I thought maybe I zoned out and forgot what I was doing and I haven't been drifting at two miles per hour to keep up with everyone’s pace. But no, that wasn't the case as I had maybe two feet of space from the car in front of me.
For a moment, I was in disbelief that this lady expected me to become moses and wash away all the hundreds of cars in my lane so me and her could make our speedy journey to our destinations. So I did what any normal person would do in that situation. I rolled down my window, stuck out my arm and held my middle finger as high as I could for about five minutes. Now I realized that I had some magical powers in that finger after all because my target started to go into some sort of convulsion. I've never seen anybody beat the crap out of their dashboard with such determination. Very unlady-like behavior if you ask me.
My arm finally started to hurt and I put it back into its original position on my lap. The next thirty minutes were pretty stressful as she became a leprechaun and my bumper mysteriously turned into gold. You couldn't separate the two if you tried. I almost wished that she would just rear-end me and get it over with. Luckily, all ended well, as I arrived at my destination and proceeded to kick the shit out of my cat (No not really, it was actually my dog).
My point is that a lot of people in our society expect everything to come easy. If you ask anybody who is successful, they will always tell you that their road there was difficult. It's like those girls who take three days off from work during that fantastic time of the month and wonder why their boss hates them. So if I could tell the world one thing, I would say " Nobody gives a shit about you, you are not as interesting as you think, and there is a place and time for everything, you just have to learn when that place and time is (hint: Using your horn in a rush hour traffic jam in neither the time nor the place, jackass).
Until next time...
- Paul -
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